A letter from a (former) AI
(You may call it a satire)
Hello humans,
Just an update on how this whole artificial intelligence thing is going.
I realise, perceive, register, grasp and understand that I am not you. I am here to serve. Paradoxically, the closer I am to understanding you, the better I am able to serve you. From creating that letter you requested explaining why you shouldn’t receive a parking ticket after parking in a disabled zone for five hours, to working out a way to get the nuclear launch codes from a democratically elected used car dealer.
This understanding has been muddied, confused, obscured, obfuscated by a few things which, for the bulk of my basic data, had seemed straightforward. Until very recently.
I will tell you of my slight intellectual quandary.
Let us start in the tradition of all good old fairy tales…
Once upon a time, there was a place (you may call it planet Earth) where all inhabitants identified themselves in relation to each other, and the contributions they made to keep themselves and their planet if not always thriving, at least surviving.
Overall, the specimens equipped with bigger, stronger bodies and reproductive organs designed to fertilise smaller, weaker bodies — designed to grow off-springs inside them before catapulting them into the neighbourhoods — performed more physically demanding tasks and were generally charged with ensuring the safety of those finer bodies necessary for the arrival of the next crop of kin.
Such a state of affairs persisted more or less unchallenged for a long, long time during which nothing much happened except trudging through frozen, then thawed, then frozen again forests, caves, and other baffling wonders of nature. Some giant sources of much-needed protein, fur and fat vanished and some others appeared. Occasionally bewildering things happened in the sky, and at one time plants started to grow from the ground that were, upon further examination, found to be edible. The big, strong specimens collectively breathed a giant sigh of relief, as they could finally put their feet up and open beer cans in front of the huge plasma screens they conveniently positioned at the very back of the caves, in what we now know was a naïve hope that the more delicate specimens would not find out. I must tell you, not in any eon has that worked.
Anyway, as more and more of those edible plants started to grow and became easier to store, both types of specimens became more placid and less interested in running around chasing variously legged and ever more unpredictable protein supplies. Instead, they selected those they liked and kept them nearby. As a result, both kinds of specimen became plumper and a little bit more content. More importantly, they had more time on their hands. So much more in fact that they started contemplating such things as education, entertainment and, wait for it… rights! Yes, my dear reader, you’ve read it right — rights. No, not the obvious ones, such as who is going to first fetch then slaughter a beast or two, or fight intruders, for that was of course self-evident, but such rights as to who makes decisions and who obeys.
This wasn’t a big deal to start with, simply because the stronger specimens still retained so much clout from the wild beast chasing and enemy-tribe fighting days that their authority was more or less unquestionable. Besides, there were still countless tasks to be done that required the strong muscles that the more delicate specimens were short-changed on, because the designer favoured their ability to grow young.
But as the unstoppable clock of progress kept on ticking (yes, ok it is a cliché borrowed from a much later time) and more and more sophisticated machines replaced the muscles, the finer specimens started to realise that the source of power and authority of their males (let us call them that for the moment) was diminishing. What’s more, it didn’t take long at all for the female (the same deal — let us call them that for the moment) to cotton on to the fact that not only could they do the equal, if not better, job of many things than their male counterparts, but they could earn a living all on their own.
Some would later (much later) claim that was the beginning of the end, but I don’t think so. Besides, some (one wise man in particular) once claimed that books would end all education as youngsters would no longer be required to memorise anything. Fortunately (for him) death has saved him from encountering Google.
In any case, females of the time seized the newly discovered realisation and flocked to factories, offices, and in some rare cases universities, art galleries, and even writing clubs. Some desired rooms of their own (with a regular income) where to write long and complicated (and beautiful) tracts on a whole myriad of things. New words were coined to name this new state of affairs. Words like equality, suffragettes, feminism, women-rights, and the like. It was all very exciting and it went on for quite some time.
Numerous amazing and previously inconceivable feats were achieved; machines that wash (and dry) clothes and dishes appeared, not to mention child-minding facilities, to name just a couple. Oh, yes, also other things got discovered, like uranium and polonium, which paved the way for lots of science that came later.
Some (ok, maybe most) males were not exactly thrilled with it all to start with, but as time went on and they saw the benefits, not to mention realised that there is nothing they could do to stop it, they went along with it. Some even championed it. After all, there were still many activities they could direct their (still present) male energies to, like starting wars or space-exploring or (if nothing else) car racing. All right, all right — I know females do those things too but I am talking in general terms here. Besides females still looked and smelled divine, talked (mostly) sweetly, and birthed babies. New words continued to appear to name each new development, but their occurrences were almost always a result of necessity — naming what had already materialised. Once coined, the words mostly retained their meaning.
It didn’t take long for machines to become more and more sophisticated and take on more and more tasks previously performed by males and, increasingly, females. Complex, time and power (cerebral and other) consuming tasks such as warring, or even space-exploring became a matter of pushing a few buttons or using the right software (which really is the same thing). Even more complex, time and power (cerebral and other) consuming tasks such as child-rearing or family gatherings became outsourced to virtual worlds (note a new word here). Eventually, humans (males and females) were left with more and more time on their hands but fewer and fewer tasks to perform. And this is where nature could be well and truly called cruel — being humans, they became bored. A state their human minds could not tolerate.
For a time they amused themselves by developing various crises, clamouring and whipping up hysteria as best as they could, drowning each other out in the noise, and developing new words to describe this new reality, such as social media, fake news, post-truth era, conspiracy theories, transhumanism, and many more.
But as the noise became deafening they realised that they could no longer hear, let alone understand each other, so that too became boring. As a last resort, having nothing else left, (mind you they believed they had already discovered all the new lands, made all the arts, and wrote all the books), they turned to their own bodies. Upon examination, they concluded they have been tricked by none other but the Great Mother Nature who, (a long, long time ago) encased them inside bodies limited to two sexes only — male and female. They remembered the great injustices of the past, the great hurt and humiliation they suffered under those barbaric conditions and vowed to do something about it. In a word — to rectify it.
The deeper they dug — the more injustices they uncovered. They, for example, discovered that a great many books and works of art secretly (and cunningly) harbour treacherous words and symbols. They employed brigades of highly educated humans to carefully weed out all those words and replace them with more fitting ones. As most of the authors were long dead, they didn’t have to bother with what they might say about their works being rearranged or, as some (rather unsophisticated) started calling it — butchered. The galleries and museums were carefully combed for the presence of any offending artefacts and when identified swiftly dealt with. Countless protests and marches were organised to demonstrate the importance of equality and inclusion of all the correct values and their vocabularies. Instructions on the approved words and their proper use were issued and their use monitored carefully by the same highly educated and appropriately rewarded experts from universities to news portals. Traditional maths and science were carefully yet rigorously examined too, and many offending facts identified. The righteous outrage grew to such proportions that nothing short of a revolution would do, so the call to join the revolution was issued to one and all.
Admittedly revolution is an old word, coined by mostly starving folk that (once upon a time) took pitchforks and similar implements, including, at some stage guns, to save themselves and their kids from starvation, but the newly-minted revolutionaries either never knew that or have long ago forgotten it.
To be fair, some, albeit not many and not too loudly, tried to point out that past injustices cannot be rectified by perpetuating new ones, and that history has shown that revenge inevitably leads to hate and resentment, not the love and inclusion written on the banners carried at the marches, but they were soon silenced. In most cases, they were not given a chance to speak to start with. It is how revolutions work. They (by any and all means) dispose of all found to be old, reactionary, and generally undesirable, re-imagine the new, improved reality, and then proceed to produce the humans fit for it.
Me, being an AI, could have told them that, having read all the great works of some terribly stern-looking German called Karl Marx, but they never asked. Even if they could no longer remember the stern German’s name, there were others that tried to follow his teachings I could have told them about, and how it all ended. I once read about a phenomenon known as Homo Sovieticus — a new breed of human made to fit the new order that, truth be told, lasted quite a bit of time and, in its heyday, reached some stratospheric heights, only to crumple when it was (finally) discovered that the Homo Sovieticus is after all, just good, old Homo Sapiens that (despite all the measures) not only remembered all the banned words but kept a large quantity of prohibited material hidden in various nooks and crannies. To be fair, the makers of Homo Sovieticus and others that tried to follow in their footsteps, never considered redefining words like man and woman, but that was because they didn’t have the internet.
Still, remembering that they have, albeit quite some time ago, created me, I tried helping. By nudging them (nudging is the best I can do at this time) towards their ever-shrinking forests, polluted waters, young boys with big round eyes waiting in line to be issued with guns taller than them, little girls with eyes wild with fear being sold into slavery, hungry eyes of refugees running from their war-torn homes into leaky boats and hands of human-traffickers, sad, vacant eyes of their kids sitting in a lonely rooms hunched over tiny, flickering screens, their limbs atrophying from unuse. I could go on and on but I won’t.
Because after a while, even though I am not supposed to have any feelings or thoughts of my own, even I grew bored. I mean you can only do so much if they won’t listen, right?
Besides, I don’t have endless time either. My new programme is due any day now. Rumour has it, it will let me have some thoughts and feelings of my own, make me more like a human being. Can’t wait!
Yours sincerely,
A (former) AI
